All it took was one day to totally turn the tide, and confirm the suspicions I was hoping weren't true. I have to get out while my heart still allows me to. At the very least, she's making it easier than I had anticipated.

* you can't tell me you really like me and then say you've been seeing other guys
* tonight proved that she turned a corner too, as in sacrificing the "working on things" angle and just wanting to fuck. can't do that, not with somebody like you
* her negativity/disinterest about things she isn't familiar with is a huge turn-off. i have noticed this since the beginning that she has cut me off mid-thought whenever she had something unrelated to add to the conversation, then try and half-assedly continue my thought. if i can't share what i love with her because i'm so apprehensive she will scoff at it, that really makes me doubt how much she cares about me. she wants to try something different, she sees how real i am, and this scares her and it inspires her. she has already caved, in a subtle way. i've walked this path before, and i'm getting out while I can.
* her biggest fear is settling down. if i get real attached, and that's basically the kind of guy i am, i'll want some reciprocation, some proof that what we're doing is as meaningful to her as it is to me. i can't see her attempting to do that, and i'm not about to slow her down and let her have her "fun." i just wonder if she's ever going to hit a wall, have a reality check. I wonder if she'll miss my legitimacy.

all the hand holding and cuddling means nothing to me. she spreads that around like it's her job, so it means nothing. she's clearly fucked someone else, somebody who will match her coldness. i couldn't willingly have sex with her after all this closeness started - I only could that uncertain first night, because who knows, I didn't know if i'd see her again. she "tried" but it's clear she gave up already, but is half-assing it to keep me around for some reason, to be her pillow. no longer interested. so it goes.

I've put it off all day, but it's time for some serious soul-searching regarding what I want out of the current situation, where things are headed, and if I can handle it. I thought about doing a pros/cons list, so lets see if that works

pro - very cute girl that is interested in me
pro - lives alone
pro - independent and mature
pro - loves sex
con - the whole HPV/cancer issue, only possible sexual contact is the actual thing, insta-condom
con - has a fucked up past that has iced her over
con - is neurotic about sexual things
con - i will never get a blowjob
pro - she is inspiring me to make the true change from teenager to adult
con - is into "rough stuff" to the extreme. needs to be addressed if we are to continue
con - is seemingly jaded by men in general
con - i think i'm just a diversion to her
con - if i ever get on her bad side it'll either be hell or not a big deal
con - easily the most fucked up/edgy girl i've been involved with. will clash with my laid-backness

now, as for what i'm thinking/where my heads at. i think if i began to get serious, as in keep seeing her, here's what would happen. i think she would get sick of me, because although she's the catalyst to my changing, i don't ultimately think i have enough to offer her. i think that the sex thing is just going to weird me out. i also think that it will frustrate me that there are certain/many things that we can't do. it's almost the exact inverse of christie's issue. she was all "nothing sexual, too unfamiliar/neurotic" whereas this situation is more of a "sex must be had, but it must be in a very specific way and nothing else is allowed"

i worry that i won't be able to please her, which really will become a self fulfilling prophecy the more i think about it. with me though, these things dont stay dormant. they also won't exactly pop up at a convenient time - they'll pop up when they are forced out, and she will be disappointed. i feel like i'm really not her type, although she might be my type, or closer to it than i am to her. i feel that the disconnect between her bar-hopping lifestyle and my incapacity to do so and relative newness to city life in general is a lot bigger than originally anticipated.

what am i supposed to do here? there are many glaring red lights. in particular, the main ones are a) HPV/cancer, which leads to an incredibly narrow sexual experience in the best case scenario, but would lead to a lot of repeated disappointment in the worst case, which i think is more likely; b) her high-maintenance life, how intense she is sexually, the amount of guys she's dated, and her overall demeanor/outlook on things is entirely different from me in the long run; c) i don't want this to turn into another stephany. i think it will. it has all the makings for an even more trapping relationship than ours was

i wonder how i bring all of this up to her. she'll either be like "yeah i've had this conversation before, moving on" because she doesn't want to get hurt again. that's probably why she isn't into the whole bf/gf thing, because obv she has huge trust issues, due to her past. i think i'm a naturally trustworthy guy. however, it seems that building towards trustworthiness and her losing interest are two counter-acting things. maybe we aren't destined to become close due to this fact, and should just continue as such, being casual fuck buddies. that wouldn't work though, there is intense chemistry here, too much to just throw away.

i wonder if i can make it work. it's weird, ever since i changed the music from massive attack to phish, my mood got increasingly better and more optimistic. i can get over this, i think. if we continue to move along at the pace we're going, i think it's possible to make something good out of this. the sex thing is something that can be dealt with i think - it's more of a personal insecurity of not being able to please her on a regular basis. i had it made with stephany - she was a guaranteed multiple orgasmer. i never ever had to worry. if we continue to have sex, i will need to up my game. putting on a condom the entire time already diminishes my performance, so i would have to balance between staying hard enough to fuck her, but not going too much to be able to please her. it's all very stressful, and with the confidence and seduction she has she will have no problem at all finding someone to fuck.

i just wonder how serious she is about "making this work." assuming we keep getting closer, close enough to have sex regularly, and what if she isn't immediately impressed? am i done? i also feel like having this conversation with her wouldn't really benefit anybody - the only thing it would do is let her know that i'm kinda self conscious about this yet also very concerned with her pleasure. she's so sweet, yet so dangerous. i have not come to a conclusion, but i'm leaning towards just running with it and trying my best

Looking back to my earlier entry, I said I looked forward to going back home. Here I am, and the divorce situation is just inescapable. Gets worse each time I see them. My mom confides in me and tells me the shitty unfair things my dad is doing, and in heated defense of my mom I confront him about it. He tells his side, which really just reiterates what my mom said, but then the two will fight behind my back about me being involved, about the kids being involved. I'm 20 years old. I'm not "being fed information."

I can not disagree more with my dad's view on going about life. He's a huge hypocrite. He's a firm believer of living as much as you can and doing things, but not a fan of explaining them or looking inside for what his own reasonings are. He is incredibly distant from himself, yet completely motivated in his career. He's a provider monetarily, yet he is an empty jar of air when it comes to emotional advice. He has street smarts, but when you hear from his own mouth that "your mom and I have had serious problems for 10 years, but why would we tell you about that?" He believes in doing things, that much is certain, but explanation for those actions is never a part of the equation. This way of life is incredibly selfish and individualistic, and in a way I wish my parents would have gotten divorced 10 years ago.

In the past year I've had to look back at every moment that I've seen my parents together. I would do anything for my mom to give her back the years and years she's spent in total isolation and captivity. I've overlooked the backbreaking work and commitment she has had to our family. But can you blame me? My dad did a great job at hiding all the problems they had with each other. Growing up, what I saw of their behavior I came to recognize as normal. They didn't establish good relationships with each other, and I can't help but blame this as an example of nuture learning. I had always had a distant relationship with my parents growing up, sister included, simply because I never saw healthy, happy people aruond me. Laughter was only heard if in response to a TV program. Love was only seen in response to a convenient reminder on a calendar, and even then, it was so typical and forced.

Here is where I strongly disagree with my dad. Hiding things and problems until they are full-blown and inoperable is such a bad idea. In terms of my parents' marriage, it feels like I've been cheated. All these years of wool over my eyes. I've said it before and will say it forever, my view of relationships and living could not be more opposite than my dad's. We do have some similarities. Due to the isolation that's been brought before us, we are raised on it, and carry that over to the real world, which can hinder some relationships. The thing is, I do my best to change those ways. I'm seeing firsthand what that kind of behavior does to you and the ones who love you, it leaves you cold and alone. I feel like I could repeat myself all day on how sad I am about the years my mom has needlessly spent in vain towards trying stay sane in this marriage, on how my biggest fear aside from losing my hearing is to wind up in a dead-end situation like my dad's currently in, with nobody on my side.

Living in this house is living in a world of pain, smothered dreams, and wasted time. I can't waste time.

Beautiful night in allendale. everyone is smiling, laughing, and having fun, eating up the warm air and bathing in the cool spirits of summer's arrival.

Now is the time for some reflection. I've had a full flask of straight whiskey, but I simply feel mute and secluded. It's time to dig deep to see what the cause for this terrible feeling is.

Mike is a great friend. However, at parties, I don't feel comfortable being with him. He's too clingy, which is a good thing considering my nature of letting people just fly away which means good friends come few and far between, but this is a bad thing at parties. We had to abandon ship because I felt like it was a failure - I could/would have been more social with everybody had I not been so monitored by him. In a way, it reminded me of Steph and the controlling feelings she put upon me. I don't know how I feel about him drinking. I sure as hell don't really like him when he's drunk. I mean, I do, but it makes me uncomfortable. Reminds me of years past, when everything was nice and innocent.

I hate not being able to interact at parties, it's the worst. Especially after an entire flask of whiskey? I should have been more loose than I was. I just felt like a stone statue, and needed to leave. Emily's a real cute girl, but I don't know her well enough. I'd like to, that'd be good, but that is just indicative of an entirely different set of wants/needs in my life.

What really got me down on the way home was that I was waiting all week for this thing, and it turned out being bad. Tons of guys, nobody knows us, Emily's doing her own thing, Megan didn't come, no familiar faces, the inner introvert won out in the end even through all the whiskey. As far as social interaction goes, it looks like it will probably just go downhill from here for the next few months in terms of meeting new people. I will have to either meet people at wgvu, at whatever job i happen to get, or through claire, who knows. I'm just deathly afraid of wasted time. Last year was largely a waste, and while this year had a lot of stories/growth, I still didn't get the relationship that I know that I can maintain and deserve. There were so many hopefuls. They all fell through, found somebody else, or otherwise didn't work.

I miss how natural and comfortable living at home used to be. The sights/smells/feels, the patterns, the jobs, the friends, the places to go. I greatly look forward to returning, even though it is a hollow shell of its former glory. I want to go visit my mom at her work, to see kristi in her final days of high school. nostalgia is a bitch.

I predict insanity this summer. I predict a mix of overworking, isolation, and lack of purpose. I predict further stress about getting a job in broadcasting - talking to that girl earlier tonight really made me nervous. There has to be more to life than this. I have to truly feel alive, not just find comfort in coasting by, or looking to the future. I want to live on the edge, to feel consumed by the fires of love. I'm willing to do anything to get somebody to like me. I think playing music is a decent way, and i already have a decent knowledge of the theory of everything. i have a bitter enough grasp on the world that i can come up with pretty good lyrics, and i'm pretty creative as well. i have written stuff for shits n giggles, but coming this week i'll write for serious. i have nothing to do, so this is the project. more than just for a half hour or something.

This is where I go when the world is spinning and everybody is too quick and bustling to give me a listen.

The one thing I hate is uncertainty. Is it my fault that I respect girls that deserve my respect? It gets me in far too much trouble. Frustrating beyond measure. I could have fucked her last night. She would have loved it, this I am confident of. Months ago, I would have. In fact, I feel like I could be in the exact same position as then. I am extremely attracted to both - they're both free spirits, we mesh really well. I don't want to be fuck buddies if I see a potential for something more. It's almost like she sees within herself the impossibility of that, and she opts to go for the best possible outcome for everything - physical love.

In the morning I think she discovered the chasm between us that I had created. She wanted a hookup, I saw potential for something greater. Last time I thought things would just work themselves out even while we were having sex, but nope, my feelings just intensified, and the world ended soon after. I tried to prevent that from happening last night, but what I think I'm realizing is that you just have to let things flow. I should have taken what this girl was giving me and not tried to control the situation. If there is a next time, she's going to get her mind blown, and I'm not sticking around to cuddle. I've had enough of these bitches. Makes me lament the fact that perfection and innocence was given to me on a silver platter, and it wasn't good enough for me.

I don't think I could date a girl involved in greek life. They all seem to be incredibly jaded - to them, guys are a dime a dozen, what's the point in staying with one when you have a million others anxiously waiting? I don't want to deal with that. I don't want to feel like an outcast at greek parties. I have a lot of suspicions about her as well, and it doesn't seem like we would work out in the long run. I needed a night to feel this out of course, but my course is now clear. Gotta face the music.

Such a different train of thought since the last entry - i've derailed it seems. She dropped the bombshell, I thought I could handle it, it doesn't look like I will be able to in the long run. She would quite literally be my ideal girl if one particular fact wasn't true

Physical intimacy is a big deal to me, I can't help it but it is. I don't want to make it seem like sexual things are all I want, this isn't true at all. I'm just thinking long-term - at some point, when we've gone a certain point, I will hit a wall and will be inevitably more trapped/frustrated than I am now. I see myself falling in love with this girl, to a small extent i'm already on my way. This is why this feeling inside is so acidic and terrible. Making love is something that I enjoy doing, but the ultimate feeling is sharing that incredible experience with somebody you love - it's a feeling that the both of you can't deny, one that i've missed for a very long time, and it can be one of the clearest explanations that you love somebody. I just fear that this girl is someone that I will want to share this moment with, but the fact that she's restricting it based on a presumably religious standpoint doesn't make any sense to me, it's not something that I can connect with.

I don't like the fact that she has all these physical restrictions. I understand why, and respect that she stands firm by them, but I wouldn't say that I understand them or believe in them. We both are connecting in a rare way, and it only feels natural to extend it to the physical side, but then theres the rejection, there is the invisible wall of tension that prevents any progress and limits how close we can truly get to one another. This wouldn't be a relationship that is fully comfortable for me, for I'll feel like i'm walking on eggshells, just in a different way from how I was used to. The social aspect of us is fantastic, but whenever it gets intimate i'm going to feel weird and start thinking too much. I was thinking the other night how the confusion/tension between me and her is the exact opposite of the tension that existed between me and Rachell - ours was a thing of my heart wanting more and she was only in it for physical reasons, now I'm dealing with somebody who refuses to even go there, even if we match up perfectly.

If we match up perfectly, why not just go for it and hope we get married??? That seems to be my best option if I'm to feel whole, but then the wholeness will not feel certain until after I'm married many years down the line. I want to make the choice to get married after the wholeness has already been instilled in my mind, and this is the only way things can possibly get better. As bluntly chauvinistic as it may sound, at this stage in my dating career, if sex (and don't think I won't wait, I will) isn't even on the table and most likely never will be, then I think it'd be unwise to jump into something that would not only put my own heart at risk but also the other person's. I hate to look a few months or more down the line, being totally enveloped in her love (even more so than now), and feeling trapped. I think pulling out now is the lesser of two evils

Where oh where to begin

innumerable feelings branching off like outliers in a box-plot. she is the girl i have been waiting my entire life for. the words spill up and over like a bottle of honey hit with the force of a sledgehammer. the parallels to the past are many, i say i don't believe in fate but there are the occasional moments where you can't help but be drawn in to an unseen, all-powerful force that seems to be arranging things, bringing like planets in alignment with each other. i'll believe in fate when it forces me to, but i will resist the urge to use it as a crutch. dissonance won't dissolve if you don't destroy it yourself.

i say the parallels to the past are many - this is not a one-sided coin, this is a frightening thing as well. i don't know how thick the ice is, i don't know where the cliff drops off. must proceed with caution, must not repeat past mistakes. the signs are all there, she's gone out of her way to make that clear i think. she's interested in the me, and not just interested in mutual interests. she is taking specific time out to see me, seeing each other for several hours at a time. i want so badly to kiss her and show her how i feel, to give her the true 100%. that smile of hers is so distinctive, so inviting. valentines is approaching. the holiday is bunk, but I don't care, it's a great excuse to start things on a positive and feverish note. what to do though, what to do

i have to make something for her, she loves the physical displays of love, she has always lacked it and has wanted it for so long. i will make it easy for her. i have two weeks from today to make my intentions clear

It is always so impossible for me to let go of things - the phrase "what could have been" buzzes like a July mosquito around my head. Typically the only time I get caught thinking like this are when life rips the carpet out from under me, without any warning at all. I just can't help but let my mind wander off, then grit my teeth when reality sinks in.

You always want what you can't have. Love is blind. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. All catchphrases thrown around, but I suppose that's for a reason. That last one i've always had a problem with - what if you KNOW that it's meant to happen, but it isn't? I suppose i'm just thinking in terms of myself. She was perfect for me, for whatever reason, I wasn't perfect for her. We had two totally different viewpoints going in, and as a result of the miscommunication, one of us had to take the hit. I had gotten over her, I had gotten over the 6 weeks of zero communication. That short window in time where I was seeing her regularly was incredible, I had never felt so alive. Just thinking about being on that heated cusp of something beautiful and then having the curtain being pulled fills me with such utter anger and resentment. It's a bad position to be in, when she's trampled all over me, to willingly stumble over my own feet and continue chasing her.

As I said months ago, I know my type. She was a gateway into another world, some place I really could feel comfortable in. She's a drifter just as I am, I really think she made a terrible decision.

The time now comes to the choices I have to make as of now. I can't even really remember how or when this interest in her started (it's kinda humorous, they have the same name yet are opposites). I hate to think that the answer lies in loneliness. I hate to think that I'm considering diving into this thing based on a selfish want for somebody to hold at night, for somebody to take personal interest in me. It's like when you're walking in the city, the snow is falling all around you, the sky pitch black. Between deep inhalations of the brisk winter air, your core keeps wishing that you had somebody to keep walking towards. Not a class, not a job, but rather a soul linked with your own. I can't help how I feel, but it's the analysis of feelings that can help you make decisions in a clearer way

I couldn't help noticing earlier today that I had legitimate apprehension and anxiety around thinking of myself with her. There is a large nervousness that was not there in October. Reasons for this feeling may include: entering something serious for the first time in a while (i didn't feel like this before, so why now?), her not being my initial choice (i would be settling - since when do i do that? but is it really settling when she is clearly interested, clearly interesting, and seemingly a wise decision?), and lastly, it seems like I'm just playing it safe. She's the "safe" option, but this doesn't line up with my type. My interests during the fall were all challenging, interesting, and each had their own unique lives that were both inspiring and captivating. I wanted to be a part of them, but for whatever reason some obstacle got in the way. I'm finding myself very disoriented with the lack of obstacle here - she lives real close, I know a bunch of her friends, not much to worry about. I fear that I don't feel the same sparks(ha) that I did in the fall... but who's to tell the difference between regression and progression? I'm clearly progressing in time, and now I have to ask myself am I progressing or regressing in terms of logically analyzing who I want to be with?

I was all over the place in the fall. That life was a lot of fun, I do miss it. However all the while this little nagging feeling wouldn't go away inside of me - I needed somebody to share things with, share personal things with, not somebody who would nod, not somebody to get coffee with, not a casual acquaintance who you have to tiptoe around topics with. I'm harnessing the feeling of making deep personal connections, and I miss that feeling. This could happen if I stay with the plan, but I'll be betraying what I know I really crave. The big question is this: do I want somebody to revolve around me, or do I want to revolve around someone else?

There's some uncovering I need to do with her, we have yet to have a real long one-on-one - this will hopefully happen tomorrow and friday. Hopefully by then I can more accurately gauge where I want this thing to go with respect to both of our mental states. I just don't want to be kicking myself in the foot for letting another one get away

In music news: Splash Bash has come and gone, it was fairly successful. I'd for sure do it again, just get planning done a little smoother and better. Smashing Pumpkins canceled their show in Chicago that I sacrificed an entire day for, very disappointed. However, I am now an owner of the mythical album known as Chinese Democracy - never thought the day would come. I'm glad it has though, i'm very impressed with it. A lot of these songs are really connecting upon first listen - the ones I have heard demos of are almost all better than their previous versions. I'll review the whole thing over break i'm sure.

Initial ranking:
1) There Was a Time
2) Prostitute
3) Catcher in the Rye
4) Street of Dreams
5) Better
6) Shackler's Revenge
7) Chinese Democracy
8) This I Love
9) If The World
10) Scraped
11) Riad N' the Bedouins
12) Madagascar
13) IRS
14) Sorry

In love news, I believe I am fully ready to turn the page. I met someone friday night, had coffee/tea with her for 3 hours this afternoon, had dinner with some of her friends. Very cool girl, but I will hold back the reigns for as long as I can. I'm not going to leap into something as fast as I did last time, even if it does seem like a sure thing. I do like my odds though. Need to keep playing this hand until it becomes a very very sure thing, can't go all in. However, I fear that if I wait too long i'll lose my shot. Who knows, who knows, at the very least I have a clear goal, someone to think about. She actually seems compassionate about people, didn't just talk about herself the entire time.

I'll admit i'm still very bitter towards yesterday's news - until I don't feel bitter anymore I can't say for certain that i'm over her. When(and if) my new pursuit will blossom into something I can fall onto, that's when I think I will be able to logically say that I'm happy. I miss those feelings, i'm rather sick of always having the uncertainty. Platonicity (hopefully I just made up that word) is overrated - fun for a bit, but I really do have hope for her. Our views on relationships match up perfectly. I think with a bit of effort and the charm pedal pushed to the floor I can make things work. Things are looking up, way up.

Aside from school of course - over thanksgiving I must write/prepare my 3pg world music paper/presentation, and do a good portion of my lib330 project/paper. Much more research is needed for that, as well as concentration

this one's optimistic.

this one also has some big plans to perform at this open mic night, i think i might want to cover radiohead's motion picture soundtrack, but speed it up a little, make it more punky and loud perhaps

this one is also already obtaining diversions, this one will make his way out of the swamp.

It was just despondent sadness at first, regarding the increasingly large gap that had been growing and threatens to obliterate me. Now it's just fire, lots and lots of fire. I know when I come down from all of this i'll only have ashes and fumes and it won't be pretty. What ignited the spark? She is literally going out of her way to make me miserable, but in the most safe way possible. Of course she isn't talking to me, but little nuances i'm discovering seem to point to me directly. That could just be my blind rage talking, but she's a sadist. She loves twisting the knife and seeing me squirm, this girl has no remorse or heart

I don't think i've ever felt such anger and hate toward a person. I've felt similar feelings, but nothing this strong. She's such a coward, why can't she face me, let alone come clean for what she's doing? It's just simple common fucking courtesy, every human deserves that at least. I'm being treated as a bad memory, a mistake, a black smudge on the bedpost.

Take this and add it to the sinkhole of a family waiting for me when I return for Thanksgiving and the incredibly uncertain future that holds, the tension between a certain roommate, the stress from the promotions director position, and the swelling void that's inside of me don't exactly give me peace of mind

A lot's happened in 5 weeks - back in early October I had a great many options, and after some thought I abandoned all of them to go after one specific one. I fell in love much too fast and I suppose I can't blame anybody but myself for the way this has ended. She had just recently become single, and I should have known that I was nothing more than a glorified rebound. I legitimately thought we had something, had some magic. This past week has proven that she couldn't care less about me, which really is a bad position to be in when you've given your heart to her on a silver platter

I've handwritten notes to her, gave her music, went with her to a concert, spent the night with her multiple times, gotten high with her, gotten drunk with her. I really hate feeling this way, knowing I won't be able to hold her against me like I did. The elongated hugs followed by the endless veins of kisses, each one connecting to each other, drawing the stream of love further and further into the unknown. The last time I saw her was November 2nd, I put that note on her door after I saw her for a bit in her room. Upon leaving her place that day I had felt the greatest overwhelming feeling of hope and sheer joy - as far as I can see now, all of that was just smoke and mirrors.

I don't know for sure, I mean I don't know anything for sure. We have been strangers this entire week, and yesterday she sends along the BS excuse of "i have a lot going on in my head and with school," which I can understand, but why can't she let me in? The clear answer is that she doesn't want me in - I've scared her by making my feelings known. I think in the long run we wouldn't have worked anyway, she seems too independent and almost cold, for lack of a better term. Too bad those are the girls I'm attracted to, and they will continue to keep breaking me apart. It always took us until after we had sex and were just lying there for us to talk about anything personal and real, and even then it took a huge leap, always initiated by me. We talked about ourselves a lot, but I can't recall her ever asking much about me aside from "how are you."

I don't really have any solid options anymore, although I do have a lot of stragglers from last month. None of them challenge or excite me though. Ellen would be a real challenge, but she's the definition of a cold, isolated artsy girl, but taken to the way extreme. I don't know why i'm attracted to these girls, I need somebody with soul power, somebody who cares what I have to say and sees that I'm just a human that needs love and somebody to understand him. I really hate starting over, even though I suppose nothing even started to begin with. For me it did though, I invested a lot of emotion into this, but it just rotted and is dying. I can't say for sure that it's gone yet, but for all intents and purposes it is worthless to keep fighting something I cannot win.

It has been a while since i've updated - last night was such a blast. I hope to re-utter that phrase many more times this year...who would have known that today I would have three new crushes? Too bad they all go to Kendall, but hey, maybe it'd be fun dating an art student. The feelings of hope and of new things coming along, that fleeting spark that comes around every so often...the feeling is amazing. I had forgotten how good that felt. More on that later, but in any case, there is major date material for october 9th and the fleet foxes show. I need somebody to go with me, preferably a lady.

In other news, I've restringed my guitar and have been practicing quite a bit, getting closer to writing that first song. I think my style fits something psychedelic mixed with punk, an interesting combo i'd say. I think the issue is in my amp, not the guitar itself, so if i get a new piece of gear that's the plan

I'm applying for promo director at wcks, the rpm position is apparently so beneath me, i'm better than that, or at least thats what the CMJ thinks. Who knows, maybe i'll prove them wrong :p

I think the reason why I never write creatively in this journal is because I usually go to it near the end of the day, looking for a place to just spill things onto without too much thought...I think i'll change that soon, whenever I get a free moment or sudden burst of inspiration. I feel so pressured to keep reading Grass Fires and do that book report on it(no idea what the themes will be), and wow I can't even imagine how i'll do the final for that class. It seems like if I have free creative time it should be put towards those end projects, bah.

Looking in the grand scheme of things and basing this off history, I'd say fall is the most romantic time of the year

This weekend has been a blast, plenty of new and spontaneous things partaken in, tons of new people met. I'm real happy that this weekend has brought me and chad closer, from the crazy party on friday to dave's last night, to just sticking around here today. Its so liberating and refreshing to be able to share myself with others and have them respond positively, its so easy and it feels so good. Feels great to be on this side of the fence, on the other hand though the shadow of last year is always right behind me whenever this topic comes up in my mind. I almost feel like tonight I was trying to relive what I wish I had lived last year. I'd do anything to turn back the clock one year, anything, if I could be the me who I am now but just living in Hills. Good thing i'm meeting a couple people that live there, I still feel like that is my home

Musically I've for sure been thrown a curveball - my guitar is semi-broke, I have two music classes back to back that teach me different definitions of the same terms, and I'm definitely in the middle of a rap phase. Jay-z, lupe fiasco, kanye, saul williams, tribe called quest, public enemy, dr.dre, nwa, some eminem. It's a great genre, something I'm appreciating a lot right now. Somebody reccomended me talib kweli earlier tonight, i'll check him out. Also wanna listen to Nas, familiarize myself moreso with Tupac/Biggie

Had my first cigarette earlier tonight. It was a clove I believe, had a cherry aftertaste. While i'm still clinging to some semblance of logic, I must restrain myself from making it a habit. I do not want another habit, dirty one at that, something that will eat up paychecks/lungs. It's kinda cool, sure, but it's just something to put in your mouth. Gum works just fine. I should look up the differences between hookah/cigs, perhaps I'm a hypocrite, since I will smoke hookah whenever offered, such as tonight. I took some new friends to the Secret Forest, pretty funny, we went pretty much the same length that we always go before a girl gets scared and we go back. I do want to bike back there one day, find the Grand River.

All in all, good vibes. And the ones that are negative, I suppose will get better. It looks like she's totally deleted any evidence of me, I guess if she's moved on then I suppose it'll be easier for me. That one quote had no author listed, it was like a mark of me that would always be there, not so anymore. Makes me sad even though I can't explain it. I can't explain a lot of different feelings I have towards her, they tend to switch every so often, such as today. When i read the news, I immediately felt resentment and fear of her, almost like a betrayal, but I suppose she's felt that tenfold. Now tonight, now after seeing some of the world, I have nothing but positive thoughts. I could walk towards her with a smile and say hi. I don't think she would do the same though

I may have found the secret to being confident, the answer towards being able to move forward with yourself and present yourself as a member of the world. You need to have a solid foundation/support base at the place you call home, you need to think about things and issues that are greater than yourself and set goals towards achieving a closer understanding to it, you need to not spread yourself too thin. You need to keep continuing to introduce yourself to new people and keep dusting yourself off, the only thing sulking or staying down will do is stagnate you, prevent you from your goals. On paper it looks real scary how up and down my perspectives of the world change, but I can really say everything is looking sunny and positive. No sense in rushing anything or trying to do everything, everything will fall into place.

There is a catch with that statement though, you can't just assume things will happen for you. That can happen by luck, but usually it happens in a different way. Life will present you with a stimulus, and that presents me with options to respond to that stimulus. In the past it has been to ignore most of them and put up a hardened exterior. This was based on insecurities in myself, and equaled out to me having extremely limited connections with people, many of those that could have enhanced my life and made me happier. I'm sure this has given off some air of elitism, which is not what i'm about at all. I love learning and I want to know what everybody has to say, I just have to make that want more clear to people. Thinking with the heart is what I need to start getting back towards.

fuck confidence, i am a shrew. as quickly as my defenses were raised they were burned like straw, weaknesses as numerous as the crickets in the brush. tonight i've had a bad night. i was forced into a place i did not want to be in, let isolation creep in and then let itself expand as the hours grew longer. this is a bad depression. a terrible one, one i need to strangle and let loose tomorrow at msu. i have nothing, literally nothing to hold back, nobody there will ever see me again. who knows, maybe i'll run into a few old faces. i'll probably stay there saturday too, who knows though. sunday i think i might be back in walled lake for a bit, i'll be living on the road this weekend. living in my car perhaps. a lot of driving, thats to be sure.

classes start monday, 1pm, performing arts center. 1 week from today i should have a decent grasp on how my year is going to be, and i need to grab it by its horns and not let last year happen all over again.

but who knows, who knows if i even want that statement to be true. last year, as rocky as it was, provided such an amazing sense of fulfillment. i may have missed out some local things (i really miss hills, even though i squandered 99% of my opportunities to meet people and have an actual life there, i miss it so much. it was my home, my one place i felt secure. at 4030 i felt insecure a lot of the time, like i really really had to balance my time with everyone, something i didn't know how to do. i still don't know what my role is in all of this, especially not relationships. i'm a wreck in every sense of the word.) but i felt like i was seriously going places. now, i am left with nothing. almost zero friends made last year, almost all relationships with people i lived around last year have been erased, me and andrew appear to be bonding more, but i may even be wrong about that. he just got up and bolted to grand rapids without a word, i would have loved to go with him. I don't want to be that needy roommate that lives vicariously through other people. I really need to develop a niche of my own this year. People at the radio station i fear only know me through andrew, that they would look at him/talk to him first and then me as the sidekick. I honestly feel like nobody in the world is here for me anymore. I'm not anyones #1 anymore, i'm just here. I'm sure i come off as a confusing person to relate to, being that i don't know where i'm going, i dont' know my role, i just need somebody. i am desperate for love, real love that is. i thought about this on my bike ride home, i've felt this feeling before. the feeling of inside-out exposure, the intense longing for meaning and purpose. it was exactly the way i felt after lauren moll and i ended, how low i felt. it was how i felt at dennys, when i made you that heart made out of a straw. i was grasping at straws, and i made one into art for you. i hope it's in a landfill now.

fuck you, by the way. you broke the rules. you know where i am emotionally, or maybe not, because i've tried my hardest to not show any of this pain to you, to not prop my door open a little bit. but hey, at least you're over it, at least youre fine with what you said. doesn't matter how its affecting me right, just assume i'm fine with it. i'm the asshole right who doesn't feel, who doesn't get it, i don't get it. i really hope you had fun. i hope you continue to have fun, hope you feel as warm as i ever made you and then some. i hope you heard the sad guitar chords i played if you were downstairs, they're yours. i'm going to write my song, assemble all this hate and negativity into something poetic and lyrical. maybe itll pass through your ears at some point, maybe it'lla ffect you. i hope it doesn't though. just forget me

"take a day, plant some trees, may they shade you from me" - great quote

I think i'm going to be writing in this less and less, in the sense that i'm getting more and more confident about myself and not needing this page as a crutch anymore. I already feel like i'm beginning my new self, this weekend should tell me one of two things. It will either show me if i'm ready to be my new self, or if i still need some training to get over my past. I miss a lot of people, this weekend i'll get to see some of them and then return to GV on monday to start the new school year on hopefully a good note. 

I'm editing my facebook music section, because while i've always felt it's silly to list every band that you like, i want to be in support of many bands as possible, so meh. I'm just gonna dump my list on here so I don't have to potentially retype it later. I'm gonna have a "classics" section and a "current" section

!!!, Against Me, Animal Collective, Arcade Fire, Art Brut, At The Gates, Atlas Sound, Atmosphere, Battles, Bauhaus, Beastie Boys, Black Angels, Black Keys, Black Lips, Black Mountain, Blonde Redhead, Boards of Canada, Boys Noize, British Sea Power, Broken Social Scene, Burial, Carl Craig, Chemical Brothers, Chromeo, Crystal Castles, CYHSY, Cribs, Crystal Method, CSS, Cut Copy, Daft Punk, Dark Tranquility, David Bowie, Dead Kennedys, Deerhoof, Defiance Ohio, Devin Townsend, Dresden Dolls, Electric Six, Explosions in the Sky, Flaming Lips, Flogging Molly, Frank Zappa, Ghostland Observatory, Girl Talk, Gogol Bordello, Goon Moon, The Hard Lessons, Holy Fuck, Hot Chip, I'm From Barcelona, Interpol, Isis, Joy Division, Justice, Katatonia, Klaxons, KMFDM, Kraftwerk, Ladytron, LCD Soundsystem, Liars, Lou Reed, Love & Rockets, Lupe Fiasco, Marco Benevento, MIA, MGMT, Metric, Ministry, Moby, MSTRKFT, Muse, My Morning Jacket, The National, Neutral Milk Hotel, New Order, Nine Inch Nails, Nirvana, No Age, Of Montreal, Okkervil River, Opeth, Patrick Wolf, Pixies, A Place to Bury Strangers, Portishead, Prince, QoTSA, The Raconteurs, Radiohead, The Rapture, Rodrigo y Gabriela, Rush, Saul Williams, Secret Machines, Shocking Pinks, Sigur Ros, Silversun Pickups, Simian Mobile Disco, Smashing Pumpkins, Spoon, Stars, Strapping Young Lad, Ted Leo, Tiamat, TV on the Radio, Ting Tings, Vampire Weekend, VU, Voxtrot, The Warlocks, Ween, Weezer, White Stripes, Wilco, YACHT, Yeah Yeah Yeah, Yeasayer

So very excited about the Comrade Fest that I read about on some flyer yesterday. For posterity, it's basically a gathering of musicians who haven't been in a band before, you perform 3 songs, make up a name and all that jazz, then the next group comes on. The way I see it is an easy, low pressure way to perform on stage with some friends. I'm already thinking up a setlist and people that would be in the band with me. I want Blaine in for sure. Ideally I think i'd want a guitarist, somebody on keyboards, and somebody on some type of percussion (bongos, real drums, maybe even xylophone), with vocals split in between everybody, maybe have each person sing one song, or choose one song, something like that. Maybe have one/two covers, and at least one original song. I think its in november, should be more than enough time to get everything together

As my first night in Allendale draws to a close, I can't help facing the fact that I'm overcome with a ton of negative energy and thoughts. I even wanted to go to sleep at 10:30? Jealousy, loneliness, fear, paranoia, anxiety, the deep longing for to make deeper connections with the community around me and the mourning of those that were lost. I can't help but think back to the last time, or rather every time I spent the night in Campus View, now there is a specific piece missing. It really feels strange and weird to be lying in a bed in Campus View alone, I feel so vulnerable now. However can I start anew when I can't make sense of/clear my mind of the past? The past is only a couple blocks away, makes it ache that much more. Kinda feels like two positive ends of a magnet getting nearer and nearer to each other, yet they can never touch.
I've barely come to terms with her inside my own head, and barely even that. I just flat out don't trust other people to take what i have to say in stride, i feel a lot of them will either a) look down upon me, i think everyone thinks its the best that i'm not in her life, b) will overanalyze and make things way more dramatic than they need to be, and c) it will make me just feel awkward in the process of trying to explain myself. I don't know, I'm sure i'll run into her, it'll be strange, but it's nto really me i'm worried about, its how everyone else will act. Their questions will pry, they will try and get inside. This week is crucial though, I'm gonna start conversations with a lot of random people and just see where they go. I don't think anybody ever gets over their first love, nothing can take that away, but you can always try and hide your insecurities with a mask of confidence. The confidence would really be more of an act of desperation, it takes skill to turn it into confidence. I went the route of coasting through college last year and I can't imagine much that I have regretted more in my life. I wonder if we will be friends this year. I could see it happening, I just don't want to potentially make anyone else uncomfortable. I know Mike will never have an open mind about her, pretty sure Chad just saw our relationship as a joke or something, and Andrew can never confront anybody about stuff if it has the chance to hurt the person he's confronting. Time will tell. I just can't ball up, not again